All or Nothing Part 1

All or nothing thinking, Black and White?
What does that even mean? I guess that I can't even comprehend something different because this is how I think, I am full of extremes in my thinking and it seems like it's all I am capable of. I don't think my thinking is extreme or limited. But it seems like people don't like the idea of black and white thinking, as if it takes something away from them. 

This is that situations are actually a spectrum of possibilities, seems like a lie, doesn't seem like it's even possible to me. People see it in me, but I don't think I am black and white, if I was would I even be as reflective as I am. And would the faith exist in my body and my underlying understanding that ultimately everything is working out in my favour? Or is that also black and white that ultimately things will work out for me? Isn't that just faith, or is that binary. I mean it has to, right? And it has to work out in not just this life, but in the ultimate infinite that is all lives between all beings in all realms of the universe. Maybe by making it so large that my mind can't actually comprehend it means that it protects me from the sadness of the process. Although everything almost always does end up the way that I envision it, it just takes time. Look at me being all growth mindset. But it doesn’t sustain, its not that it's not possible to have these feelings of ultimately working out, but its like there are these big holes in the ground on the path that I fall into, the holes that say nothing is working out. An example would be me trying to get a job, any job really just something that paid some semblance of money compared to what I was making. But the whole process took a year, a year of application interviews and trying to operate outside my zone of reality to answer the mind numbing questions that are required for jobs. But there are so many times when it's just rejection, rejection and more rejection and once you are about 50 rejections deep is it not reality to say this is not working out? Is it delusional to say ‘this is working out in my favour’ when all the evidence suggests that it's not? Which one is more fantastical, but then I get slapped with this “negative’ and ‘all or nothing” if anything the relentless amount of rejections indicate that I need to maybe change my approach rather than think its all a work in progress.

Choosing Happines

There is a method to the madness, and a belief that there is a balance within all things, however, this living ‘life’ of doing creates a distress in the nervous system. Its especially present for those who are, like myself, more sensitive. More sensitive and also completely blind to what I am feeling until it manifests as very real physical health symptoms. 

So the decision comes as a constant choice, which might be draining in its own ways, but I would think beneficial in its own. This comes after a time of being exposed to too much negativity. The negativity builds up like a poison within the body. We say children are sponges to their environment, unable to differentiate between the energies and pick and choose, ultimately being hindered or thriving based on their environment. But I have never been clear as to when this stops? When is it that suddenly our environment just stops shaping us, and how are we meant to navigate this alone anyways?  So many questions, 

I’m characterising negativity as judgement, guilt, constant dissatisfaction and complaining. And whilst there is a place for these emotions in life sometimes the build up of them causes intense discomfort, as much as physical illness. For myself, being stuck in an overly negative environment leads me to experience functional seizures. If you don’t know what that means it's like epilepsy, but in my case caused by a lack of emotional processing.

The negative self-talk in my own head is extreme, not only does the ADHD demand I take on too much in my day, my to-do list is always undoable, my physical body can't even take on the amount I demand. I’m getting physically exhausted and I tell myself “I could do more.” "I’m lazy for resting” I feel good when I push myself to break, and its painful to sit in the calm. 

You see the negativity doesn't just exist in the external relations i have with those around me, it exists within me. SO its not only choosing to remove myself from the external oppressors and complications that cause me to consume the poison around me, the ‘demon’ exists within myself. The internal beast and the pressure that causes me to judge, berate and demand more of myself. Its the inner beast that has to be battled. But not battled because resistance breeds persistence in the inner world and the external world. So I have to embrace the beratement, say “hello you are there again” and look myself in the mirror and say “Hey you did enough” and then pretend to believe it.

My Journey to Autism

I been feeling particularly abnormal at my new job. I don’t seem to react like the others do, those were my first thoughts. Working as a therapist and realising you don't experience the same feelings as others when they interact with clients. Again people are telling me I'm blunt and forward. That I am not afraid to answer the questions or ask direct questions. Especially noticeably when we have training and I seem to be a bit challenging, questioning structures and procedures. I don't feel like I am challenging and direct, I am perplexed about why other people just sit there instead of answering the questions. The answers are beyond obvious, just answer it, don't sit here like fish! The other thing I don't understand is that if everyone is so against this awkward silence then why are they all sitting in it, is there a solidarity in it, and if so am I disrupting it? 

But I guess if we go back in time the questions really started a few years ago, when I was working with a lot of kids in sports ages between 4-12. And in the line of work that is martial arts we get two sides of the pendulum of kids, the shy and reserved children and the out of control kids, which includes aggressive and hyperactive. So I would experience this pendulum swing of children. When I had a meeting in the office with the parent and child, one type of child would sit in the chair in silence while the parent spoke and did nothing, staring at the surroundings, in what I would define as empty, blank and quiet. I do not understand how they can just sit there and essentially do nothing and stare off into the vast distance. 

The other type of kids I could relate to, they are climbing the walls, asking questions, using the desk chair to spin in circles or manoeuvring it with their feet to ride around the room. These kids have spirit, life and fire in them. But everyone apologises for them, “Sorry he's like this” whilst they try and harness the energy inside their child to be more placid, docile and calm. It doesn't work, the children unapologetically ask questions, whilst spinning on their chair, asking the questions into the air. “Look at the lady when you're talking” “Pay attention to the lady” “you’re being rude” Not focusing on the fact their children are curious little creatures, confident to ask a grown stranger questions. So many things that are positive in these interactions, but maybe we could focus on what even is normal another time, as I am getting off track here. My point was that I related more to these ‘wild’ kids, I say wild in the way that I did but really I feel like they are normal. They have character and personality. I was absolutely convinced that these kids are just regular kids, despite their parents' concerns. Parents would add they are having their child tested for autism, or adhd, convinced they are on the spectrum. I would vent these frustrations to friends about pathologizing children’s behaviours and what it means for these young kids. The idea that such behaviour be considered ‘different’ or ‘strange’ or ‘outside the norm’ the whole idea of it drives me crazy, I wonder what people expect of their children? But perhaps we are getting off topic? It was in my venting and unleashing of my frustrations that a friend asked me the question, bluntly and in a loving way “What if you think these kids are normal and like you because you are in fact not ‘normal’?”. 

That sentence hit me like a brick, it had honestly never occurred to me to flip it with that angel, but maybe that was the case, maybe I could relate and thought they were like me and I am actually off the ‘normal’ line. So it made me wonder, first I wondered if the diagnostic criteria was flawed. 

The thought  “maybe you’re not ‘normal’” kept ringing in my brain. I don't want the terminology to be misleading here. I'm not holding any negative feelings towards the world normal. If you are while reading this then please realise thats your connection to the word and not mine, if im “not normal” that's fine by me. So the thoughts of how much I aligned with these kids, who were all very unique and my inability to fit in at my work, it all made me wonder if maybe I am a bit different? And thus began my journey for my own assessment.

Covid Again

omg its Covid again! I know that for a lot of people Covid is just a mild cold, with normal cold-like symptoms, like a sore throat, a runny nose, maybe a fever? But for me it's more, more than just a cold of any degree. It starts with the most painful sore throat I have ever experienced, it's on par and maybe worse than tonsillitis, eventually my nose drips, no not drips it actually runs similar to a tap thats been left on. It's not your regular stuffy, runny nose that you wipe and blow with your tissues, instead it's quite literally flows to non stop. I have to say I find that the most uncomfortable of my early symptoms. Comparing the nose to the sore throat, I'd rather have unbearable throat pain than the faucet nose. Its followed by some insane amount of sneezing, 5, 6, 7 sneezes in a row, several times per minute, which goes on for a bout a day. And lastly of the temporary symptoms is the stomach pain, I don't know what covid does to my intestines, but its awful, and that enough of those details.

All those symptoms are temporary, its what comes after thats the challenge. It causes inflammation in my lungs, and I can't breathe. I now have asthma, which I had never had in my life, I have always thought I have pretty powerful lungs, I had never experienced being out of breath, but after covid running 10 meters and im gasping for air. But it's just a cold right? They have steroids for that right? Right i am back on permanent medicine, JUST an inhaler. But what are these other symptoms that happen with the covid? The joint pain is the first one, I don't even know if its joints, sometimes it feels like everything is hurting. Sitting in one way for too long causes pain on the joints while lying on my side at night makes me wake up because of the pain in my shoulder. But it's just a cold right? 

The “brain fog” is an interesting experience, in which you can read a sentence, read a sentence, and read a sentence and have no idea what you are reading. Its like the brain doesn't fire its neurons or something, I'm no biologists so I dont know the exact working of what makes brain fog a thing. It makes tasks as simple as writing a 2 sentence email take 40 mins or more, I wasn't great at emails beforehand so I guess this added time might be less for other people. But its just a cold… right? 

And the last one is the fatigue, not the normal kind when you take a nap and then spring back to life. This fatigue is like I went to the supermarket and now I can’t get off the couch, have no energy and all my joints are on fire. Its just a cold tho? Why is this all coming up now tho? I guess thats because I have Covid again, and I'm scared, scared that the long covid flare up will happen again. I just don't have time for wasting my day sitting around with some illness that no one even believes in. That's not true, the people who have long covid believe in long covid as a real physical experience. And having said that,  there are people who have covid who have an array of complications, like needing ventilators, near death experiences, tremors, hair loss, and so many other symptoms. So ultimately I am thankful that it's not as severe as it could be, but I am sad about having to deal with it at all, and overall a bit scared that the flare up might happen. But its just a cold right?

The Inspiration & the Dream

The inspiration and the dream

For the longest time I have had a dislike of the 9-5 grind. I know what you're thinking we all do, we are all tired and over it, that might be the case. I also know that when I was a kid, i struggled to wake up for school, and I actually liked school, I thought it was great, I loved the learning and I liked getting the questions correct, the other kids I wasn't so sure about and they didn’t seem to like me much and at the time I didn't know why.

The whole idea of waking up early to do the job, come home, rush about to get ready to be able to wake up for tomorrow, the whole rinse and repeat cycle with the only relief being almost a couple days off. But I feel like the first day of the weekend is just be trying to create some equilibrium, like I need to relax my brain from the insanity of everything that was the week. And I have truly always felt this way, its just never suited me. I would shake it up and sleep on the floor, the couch or just have restless nights with my headphones in and my walkman listing to the radio, in my teens I relentlessly watched late night programs on cable TV and sketched clothing. Maybe I had insomnia I can't be sure.

Adulthood didn't make it any easier, but I found a job that was shift work which suited me just fine, there was the uncertainty of what day it was and a sense of trying to find some time to fit something in, I work wildly up and down hours some days finishing at 5am and other shifts started at 7 am and the whole of everything in between. I enjoyed that aspect, I didn't like management but the hours were amazing and I enjoyed that aspect. I liked the people I met at night and the uncertainty of it all.

It's like when there is a certainty my mind doesn't work properly and everything that should be relaxing becomes stressful, I nitpick about the mundane and nothing ever seems to be peaceful and go “right”. My inner equilibrium is squashed and I just don't know what to do with myself, everything around me becomes annoying. I feel like the situation worsened again when I had children and I had to take them to school, make a lunch (I could write a whole post on my dissatisfaction with school lunches), pick them up at 3pm rinse repeat. Do I cook before I pick them up and do nothing else while they are away? Do I juggle the cooking, homework and washing them after school. Theres no right answer in this scenario, it all sucks. Theres no actual family time, there's no personal time, there's just no time. I feel like the school time is deliberately at the worst time of day. Imagine if they just went 8am and came home for lunch, how amazing would that be. But that can't work because everyone has to have a 9-5 job. I don't know anyone who loves the system but everyone seems to play in it and it just seems so silly.

I have decided I have always thrived best when left unencumbered by the societal and structural norms that exist and have planned accordingly. So here it is the big idea, and I have been feeling and daydreaming this idea for a while and i have decided it's time to jump onto it. I am going to or rather we as a family will travel with a caravan! That's my huge plan, a life away from the 9-5 grind, a life away form the small things like that become huge choices. I feel a sense of inner peace and freedom that comes with stepping into adventure, and to be honest I expected more pushback from the kids but they are so on board with the plan, maybe they are more like me than I thought?

We can expect to see more posts entailing the transition to being a nomadic person, and how to downsize life. And all the feelings that come along with dismantling of worldly possessions.

The big Idea

Sometimes we dare to dream, we come up with ideas and hopes that seem greater than what we are capable of. Something that feels like it only exists in the imagination, but isn't the dreams and the imagination essentially the conception of anything?

What is it that makes an idea so great that we choose to try and forge it into reality? Is it the idea itself, the hope and love of the idea or is it the absence of fear that takes us to new places?

There are dreams that come and go in life, some dreams we leap on, some dreams we watch fade away into the distance like sunsets only to never rise again.

So what is the difference?

For me it's about the excitement of an idea outweighing the fear, that idea becomes too great and that fear fails to flutter its existence in this space. It might show up with its sporadic thoughts of negativity to tell me, how impossible the dream is, how unlikely the end goal really is from the moment I am in now. And ultimately it always is. As end goals from dreams are always huge, they are impossible to do in the now, and therefore unlikely and impossible. If we look at any big idea, or plan its always broken down into smaller tiny goals and landmarks that lead to the existence of what is possible. If we look at potentially being a doctor, it seems like a big place to get to, you want just wake up one day and start practising because thats how you feel (how unethical would that be). Rather we break everything down into smaller goals, tiny milestones to make it past and move on. In the case of becoming a doctor, it would be broken down to years of study, those studies down to courses, the courses themselves broken down to a series of assignments, the assignments could be sectioned into parts and pieces, broken down further into word by word. One word at a time on assignment, slowly chipping away at courses eventually leads to the outcome of being a doctor. All ideas, dreams and outcomes operate with the same structure, they slowly with time and effort can ultimately be done in small parts and pieces that lead to a huge outcome, and the dream becomes the reality.

Its curious what is it that separates the dream ideas that come to fruition and the ones that get filtered out and left behind.

For me there is a fear exists in what I often feel “I have to do”, however the more I focus on the those feelings and wonder who it is who decides what it I have to do the more I am able to focus and hone in on my ideas and dreams and make them happen. There is sometimes an irrational fear that occurs with some of the dreams, “what if I fail” “what if I get hurt” “what if…..” Doesn't really matter what you put on the end of that what if sentence they could also be easily reframed to “what if I am so happy” “what if everything works out “ they are all reasonable endings, and neither is more likely to occur, however it is easier to focus on one compared to the other.

So why do I and maybe others fill our heads with these impossible and possible possibilities and does it ultimately matter? I think the things we put energy into matters and the less energy I put into those fears and uncertainty the more energy I have for building dreams and creating. It reminds me of the fable of the difference between the white belt and the black belt, as you receive a white belt on your first day when you show up, people often wonder how do you get the back belt, how much training is it, what has to be done, how does one reach the illusive black belt? And the answer is so simple “A black belt is a white belt who never gave up” dreams are the same you can start with a goal in mind, and then to achieve it, it's just perseverance and never giving up, moving past the hurdles and road blocks. The other interesting quote that comes to mind is “The white belt is the hardest belt to get” and you might be thinking, But if I show up to class I will get that belt? They would be 100% correct if you go to that first class you might get that belt, but how many people don't even show up and take the step to doing that first class? There is a power that comes with taking that first step. Maybe all dreams are the same maybe the key to making dreams reality starts with taking that first step to making that reality happen, go and get your white belt and start the journey to dreams.