Another Day More Self Loating

Another day of wondering why I am where I am in life. others go through life seeking things like happiness. I am generally full of emptiness. Its just this plain feeling inside, I don’t feel happy I don’t feel overly, i just feel nothing. Its like the baseline feelings aren’t there. People wake up happy, at least one of my kids does. Not me I wake up with a mind full of chores and shit I have to do, or at least, feel obligated to do. It is more than a list its an urge a compelling need that doesn’t want to go away. It just holds itself over my head for the day and sometimes the next. All day I beat myself up about the things I don’t get done, I get distressed if I sit down, deviate from the chores. Sometimes the chores are more than what I am even capable of in a day. If I leave the badgering list alone and then something goes wrong that wouldn’t have if the list was adhered to its like the world ends, that feeling is even worse.

What happens if you finish this overwhelming chore chart. Nothing really, other than not feeling insanely guilty. Yay, isn’t that exciting.

even know writing this, it’s not feeling long enough, not exciting enough maybe I need to write more. maybe I need to practice leaving things as they are.