Choosing Happines

There is a method to the madness, and a belief that there is a balance within all things, however, this living ‘life’ of doing creates a distress in the nervous system. Its especially present for those who are, like myself, more sensitive. More sensitive and also completely blind to what I am feeling until it manifests as very real physical health symptoms. 

So the decision comes as a constant choice, which might be draining in its own ways, but I would think beneficial in its own. This comes after a time of being exposed to too much negativity. The negativity builds up like a poison within the body. We say children are sponges to their environment, unable to differentiate between the energies and pick and choose, ultimately being hindered or thriving based on their environment. But I have never been clear as to when this stops? When is it that suddenly our environment just stops shaping us, and how are we meant to navigate this alone anyways?  So many questions, 

I’m characterising negativity as judgement, guilt, constant dissatisfaction and complaining. And whilst there is a place for these emotions in life sometimes the build up of them causes intense discomfort, as much as physical illness. For myself, being stuck in an overly negative environment leads me to experience functional seizures. If you don’t know what that means it's like epilepsy, but in my case caused by a lack of emotional processing.

The negative self-talk in my own head is extreme, not only does the ADHD demand I take on too much in my day, my to-do list is always undoable, my physical body can't even take on the amount I demand. I’m getting physically exhausted and I tell myself “I could do more.” "I’m lazy for resting” I feel good when I push myself to break, and its painful to sit in the calm. 

You see the negativity doesn't just exist in the external relations i have with those around me, it exists within me. SO its not only choosing to remove myself from the external oppressors and complications that cause me to consume the poison around me, the ‘demon’ exists within myself. The internal beast and the pressure that causes me to judge, berate and demand more of myself. Its the inner beast that has to be battled. But not battled because resistance breeds persistence in the inner world and the external world. So I have to embrace the beratement, say “hello you are there again” and look myself in the mirror and say “Hey you did enough” and then pretend to believe it.