My Journey to Autism
I been feeling particularly abnormal at my new job. I don’t seem to react like the others do, those were my first thoughts. Working as a therapist and realising you don't experience the same feelings as others when they interact with clients. Again people are telling me I'm blunt and forward. That I am not afraid to answer the questions or ask direct questions. Especially noticeably when we have training and I seem to be a bit challenging, questioning structures and procedures. I don't feel like I am challenging and direct, I am perplexed about why other people just sit there instead of answering the questions. The answers are beyond obvious, just answer it, don't sit here like fish! The other thing I don't understand is that if everyone is so against this awkward silence then why are they all sitting in it, is there a solidarity in it, and if so am I disrupting it?
But I guess if we go back in time the questions really started a few years ago, when I was working with a lot of kids in sports ages between 4-12. And in the line of work that is martial arts we get two sides of the pendulum of kids, the shy and reserved children and the out of control kids, which includes aggressive and hyperactive. So I would experience this pendulum swing of children. When I had a meeting in the office with the parent and child, one type of child would sit in the chair in silence while the parent spoke and did nothing, staring at the surroundings, in what I would define as empty, blank and quiet. I do not understand how they can just sit there and essentially do nothing and stare off into the vast distance.
The other type of kids I could relate to, they are climbing the walls, asking questions, using the desk chair to spin in circles or manoeuvring it with their feet to ride around the room. These kids have spirit, life and fire in them. But everyone apologises for them, “Sorry he's like this” whilst they try and harness the energy inside their child to be more placid, docile and calm. It doesn't work, the children unapologetically ask questions, whilst spinning on their chair, asking the questions into the air. “Look at the lady when you're talking” “Pay attention to the lady” “you’re being rude” Not focusing on the fact their children are curious little creatures, confident to ask a grown stranger questions. So many things that are positive in these interactions, but maybe we could focus on what even is normal another time, as I am getting off track here. My point was that I related more to these ‘wild’ kids, I say wild in the way that I did but really I feel like they are normal. They have character and personality. I was absolutely convinced that these kids are just regular kids, despite their parents' concerns. Parents would add they are having their child tested for autism, or adhd, convinced they are on the spectrum. I would vent these frustrations to friends about pathologizing children’s behaviours and what it means for these young kids. The idea that such behaviour be considered ‘different’ or ‘strange’ or ‘outside the norm’ the whole idea of it drives me crazy, I wonder what people expect of their children? But perhaps we are getting off topic? It was in my venting and unleashing of my frustrations that a friend asked me the question, bluntly and in a loving way “What if you think these kids are normal and like you because you are in fact not ‘normal’?”.
That sentence hit me like a brick, it had honestly never occurred to me to flip it with that angel, but maybe that was the case, maybe I could relate and thought they were like me and I am actually off the ‘normal’ line. So it made me wonder, first I wondered if the diagnostic criteria was flawed.
The thought “maybe you’re not ‘normal’” kept ringing in my brain. I don't want the terminology to be misleading here. I'm not holding any negative feelings towards the world normal. If you are while reading this then please realise thats your connection to the word and not mine, if im “not normal” that's fine by me. So the thoughts of how much I aligned with these kids, who were all very unique and my inability to fit in at my work, it all made me wonder if maybe I am a bit different? And thus began my journey for my own assessment.
